Temper Tempered

I'm gonna go ahead and call this.  Success.

8 weeks we spent, letting Benjamin have his cry at bedtime.  We stayed with him while he kicked and flailed and screamed. We held him when he'd let us.  We sang when he calmed down.  We cuddled as he got sleepy.

Slowly but surely, things improved.  For a few weeks now, life has been pretty sugary sweet at bedtime.  And naps even.  But the boy does take his time... 20-40 minutes to drift off.

Our sweet potato's routine is the same as it's been for months.  Remember, from the last post, that the only thing we changed was not nursing to sleep.  And my memory had failed me earlier, because just tonight I remembered that there had been many evenings where nursing Benjamin to sleep simply wasn't taking at all anyway.  So, it wasn't just divine inspiration that made me think it was time.

I remembered this because I thought about how he went through a period of time where he was up in the evening while we had our late dinner and watched tv.  I always felt like a horrible parent when he was up like this.  He simply wouldn't go to sleep, and I didn't want to 'fight' him or leave him crying alone... so he ended up in the living room with us at 9:30 at night while we tried to decompress from the day.

What life is like right now:  Our little time capsule~

We do our bedtime routine, round about 6:30: nursing, bath, pj's, loud fan, book, lay with Ben til he falls asleep.  This time that we spend laying with him is usually our favorite.  Well, it ties with eating. Whichever one of us is starving, usually doesn't put him to bed that night.  :)

He has become quite loving, both during the day and at night.  I've snapped a few photos of David and Benjamin actually falling asleep together.  Sometimes we all lay together.  Sometimes Ben struggles with me moreso than with David. I think it's because he'll lay up against my chest, or as one friend said, "smell the milk" and get sad/frustrated that he can't nurse.  Daddy snuggling is the best.

I was thinking about how some of my most cherished times with Benjamin, since he's been born, have involved being with him as he sleeps.  I have stared at his sweet face while he has slept in my arms on the couch, in the crook of my arm in our bed, snuggled against me on his bed... and each of those moments is like gold in my mind.  What a wealth of physical closeness!  (Sure, there were plenty of times I needed to get up... to pee, to get some water, to shower!!)

Have I ever thought of the ease that would come from depositing him (lovingly) in a crib and walking away? Um, yeah.  I have.  More than once.  And in truth, we did that for a short stint back when we were swaddling. Ben had a long-lasting Moro reflex, so we swaddled him anytime we attempted to let him sleep alone. Sometimes it worked!

But, the crib is an old story for us.  Never worked well. Maybe I didn't persevere enough. Maybe I didn't let him have his cry in my arms long enough.

There are loads of folks out there who will tell you how babies need to become independent sleepers.  I'm sure they're right.  There are loads of folks out there who will tell you how babies need to be physically close to go to sleep.  I'm sure they're right.  You have seen the plethora of baby books out there, right?  And on and on it goes.  (Constant refrain here: Do what works for your baby!)

I was just thinking though. You know how they say babies need and thrive on touch, especially as newborns?  There are actually books on infant massage! Yet, they tell you to let your newborn baby sleep in a crib (i.e. away from you).  And newborn babies sleep about 15-17 hours a day, right?  So, that's 15-17 hours a day you cannot touch your baby.  Something about that advice ain't adding up.  That doesn't even include the non-touch time in a car seat, bouncy seat, floor time and stroller.  I will never fault myself as a parent for enjoying that physical closeness with Benjamin.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Have I 'ruined' my son?  ha ha

Well, sometimes I joke that I have.  Plenty of folks like to tell you you're spoiling your baby. (or they think it) Or maybe they look at you funny when you tell them that your child bites. (or think not-so-nice things about their mothers) Ok, well, he hasn't bitten us in over a month, so that's something.  Occasionally, he'll bite a toy if he gets frustrated or angry or hurt.  But never another child and not us any longer.  But, of course, yes, I have doubted my parenting abilities!  Good grief, yes!  But, I am going to stop with the 'ruining my child' joke, because in my heart, I don't believe it.  I know in my heart that I am doing a good job because, like all of you, I am showing him love.  I can't promise to be a perfect parent.  That's ridiculous.

But, maybe there's something to be said for letting Benjamin have his cry.  He has learned (oh, I hope he has learned) that emotions are o.k. and that we will be there for every range of his emotion.  That his joyous feelings are just as respected as his furious, his frustrated, his confused feelings.  That sleep is a wonderful state of being!  I've recently begun to call his naps, 'delicious naps' because we all know they are!  "Time for a delicious nap!"

Well, I don't have the energy or the desire to go through the whole pro's and con's and misinformation and history of co-sleeping, the invention of cribs and how we slept with our babies, historically speaking.  If you're interested in how cribs came into being, the slightest bit of googling will give you very interesting information.  I did find that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends sharing a room, not a bed, with a baby for the first 12 months.  Again, not going to go into all of that too much.  Cultural norms are what they are for us right now.

What Benjamin's room looks like right now:  Not gonna post a pic~Not pretty

Well, you may know that we're doing the whole Montessori thing, inasmuch as I can muster.  Should do another post on that one.  Anywho, we're still sticking with the floor bed.  But since we lay with Ben to sleep, and one of us often ends up falling asleep there at some point, we decided to move the guest room mattress to his room.  This was meant to provide temporary comfort until we buy a twin bed.  David was actually the one to say it.  "We need to get a twin bed." He said those words.  Yes!

I want an IKEA one for various reasons, and going to IKEA is a pain, so I don't know when this will happen.

So, Benjamin's room right now, well, it basically looks like a big bed.  It is a Queen-size mattress!  Oh my.  To add to the unorthodox view of my baby's nursery (nursery??), is the fact that we have surrounded this mattress with pillows.  This is because we feared that the drop off from the mattress, whether crawling, walking, rolling or what have you, was too steep.  And I'm glad we did.  But, pretty, it is not.  Comfy though!!

And in closing, let me just say, that I am on Cloud 9 most days due to 1) baby sleep 2) a loving baby (whose temper is undoubtedly tempered) 3) great energy and health and number 4) positivity, baby.

Next chapter: Sleeping through the night, and why your mind will be sharper, your body healthier, your house wealthier, and all of your wildest dreams will come true, if you simply learn to love midnight nursing.  :D