If you pay any attention to these things, you'll notice it's been a woefully long time since a blog post. My list of reasons (read: excuses) include the subject of this post (weeks of a crying baby), beginning part-time work, and flat out whole body fatigue from chronic sinus/allergy woes... the latter being the subject of another post perhaps.
But, oh how I wanted this to be a success story for my Benjamin. The jury is still out.
Cry baby cry. Crying in arms. Holding your little one while he cries. Make that screams, writhes, kicks and flails. This is what we've spent 7 weeks doing at nearly every naptime and bedtime with only recent improvements (weeks 8 and 9). This.... is..... taxing.
Okay, so I LOVE nursing Benjamin and nursing him to sleep. But, I was convinced that he would sleep more soundly if he fell asleep another way. When he was younger, he would nurse peacefully beside me during the night and we all slept pretty well that way. But things change and there was less and less peace at night.
After some horribly exhausting nights, I convinced myself that I was ready to do some weaning. I convinced myself that Benjamin was ready, that he would benefit. I convinced myself that though he would cry and cry, he would ultimately sleep much better, and we would ALL live more happily.
When people say to trust your instincts, I feel like it's good advice. I felt like my instincts were telling me that it was time. His crying wasn't like the newborn type of crying, where you (and he) feels like his whole world is collapsing if you don't meet his need immediately. I don't mean to say he's 'mature' at 11 or 12 months old, but certainly able to handle more. Temper tantrums had kicked in around 9 months and I had learned to show him love while he cried, without giving in to whatever it was he wanted but couldn't have at the moment (toy, to play at bedtime, etc.)
David and I talked and we decided to give it a go. I set a limit on it, in my mind. We'll just try for a week and then, re-assess.
Oh, how he cried. Oh how my sweet Benjamin cried! I was heartbroken, Benjamin was angry and confused and David was shell-shocked. We would take turns. In general, it took about an hour or more of hard, hard crying before Ben would fall into a sobbing sleep. You know those little sniffles that you do long after you've finished crying, when you've cried really hard?
We kept telling ourselves, well, eventually, he WILL fall asleep. Surely he was exhausted enough. Am I right ladies? A hard cry is exhausting.
Well, our little Benjamin put up quite a fight. But we NEVER left him alone. I truly feel like that would have done some kind of trauma to him. I already felt like I was traumatizing him enough, so one of those nights I gave in and nursed... and after less than a week, we threw in the towel. I started doubting myself again. "He's just not ready I guess." I think I cried with David in the room with Ben and just said, "It's okay... if he needs this, it's okay. I can do it. I can nurse him to sleep for another year if that's what he needs." (sob, sob)
Round about that time, I started googling phrases like, "baby fights sleep," etc. Googling is a tried and true method of parenting in this modern era... Didn't you know? No. Actually, as you might have guessed, it's very hit or miss.
Nevertheless, I came across this site: http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/
Specifically this link: Babe in Arms, Crying to Heal
and this one: Aware Parenting
http://www.awareparenting.com/cryinginarms.htm
Okay, so the idea here is that babies actually need to cry.
Wait a second. Babies NEED to cry? Why? I mean, don't babies cry to have a need met? And once that need is met, wouldn't it stand to reason that they would stop crying? If they are hungry, in pain, exhausted, etc....?? Well, why do babies with colic cry inexplicably though?
I realize I may sound just plain dumb here. But this was new information to me. Babies NEED to cry? I still have a hard time accepting that. You don't know how I prided myself when Benjamin would have days without crying. I truly thought I was meeting his needs, and he must just be happy.... No need to cry!
But yet, here we were with a child that at 9 months old, I actually took to the doctor to determine if he was sick, because he was having such terrible tantrums. (Tantrums at 2, I expected. Tantrums in infancy, I did not.) As proud of my son as I was, and still am, the truth is, Benjamin was not always the delightful, charming, peaceful young man we had ordered. Sure, there were tons of joyful moments with him!!! But, if I'm being honest, he was rough. He was rough with me, with David, with Hershey, with other children. He would grab, scratch, even bite. Not to mention, he didn't sleep well, fighting it at every turn. (Ask any of the kind souls who suffered the hour+long cries from babysitting a couple of hours for my dental/doctor appointments.)
Oh, I had practiced Attachment Parenting. David and I both had. It felt good. It felt right. Nursing on demand, nursing to sleep, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, being present full-time, etc... I had belief in this! Now. I'm not saying I have disavowed Attachment Parenting. I still stand by many of its principles. I still practice it.
But I will say that there is a component that is missing. And that component, I believe, can make a parent feel absolutely, positively, thoroughly, through and through exhausted. You cannot and should not prevent your child from crying EVERY single time they cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry.
I still have to repeat that to myself sometimes to learn it and believe it. Sometimes he just needs to cry. Sometimes, Benjamin just needs to cry. Sometimes, babies just need to cry.
Funny to me now that I had read the book, "The No-Cry Sleep Solution," the practice of which, did not however, prevent Ben from crying.
Here's the thing though. That website I mentioned earlier (Aware Parenting) strongly advocates that you stay with your child while he/she cries.
See, I had been under the delusion that you had to choose between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Either you did everything under the sun to stop your baby from crying (jiggle, rock, nurse, drive, hair dryer noise) OR you left them to cry it out. The first of which was making me insane. The second of which seemed positively cruel to the innocent mind of a infant.
This 'aware parenting' (so it's called), was the first time I actually considered an alternative. Just hold your baby while they cry. This theory states that crying is healing and releases stress. It can help heal emotional wounds (difficult or traumatic pregnancy or labor, frightening events, etc.). It states that once a baby releases this stress, has his/her good old crying spells, that it can even improve their temperament, since their frustrations have been 'released'. (However, she gave a false promise that 'many' people found that when they began to let their babies cry, the child often began to sleep through the night after as little as a week. HA!)
So anyway. Back at it. With someone (I have NO idea how qualified this aware lady is, by the way) enlightening me to this information, I was given renewed hope that perhaps my instincts were right, and that it was in fact time to let Benjamin have his cry. And have his cry he did. As I said at the beginning of this post, it was intense. I have never in my life (I have babysat and been around many babies, many times), I mean, I have never in my life ever heard a baby scream and, I'll even use the word, rage, like this. David and I were in a stupor.
You couldn't hold this child lovingly! You couldn't hold this child at all! Did I mention my son is strong? Have you met this guy? He would kick and flail, and could not be held for the longest time, try as we might. So, we just stayed with him. We stayed and got kicked. We stayed and stayed and stayed. We stayed until those rages gave way to sobs. Til those tears gave way to sniffles. Til those deep sighs gave way to sleep.
Then, we'd come out of his room, looking like we had just been beaten up and wondering again, "Are we doing the right thing?" Why was this so hard for Benjamin? Did he really have that much birth trauma to release? Really? This is crazy. Why was he so unhappy? Why so difficult? (The ever-present refrain in the back of my mind that I had done and am currently doing, and would obviously, continue to do, a lousy job of parenting. And how does anyone ever turn out normal if all we ever tried to do was love our son, and yet we screwed him up so horribly already, and so on and so forth.)
For better or worse, we persevered. All 3 of us. We'd start to see sleep improvements, and get encouraged. Okay, so this is more than a little embarrassing to say, but again, it's the truth:
Before we started this 'sleep plan' Ben was waking and wanting to nurse between 4-8 times a night. Yep. Now, when we coslept, as I said, when he was younger, I didn't even count. It didn't matter much to me, because he would root around during the night, I'd nurse him and we'd barely even wake up. As he got older, rooting often turned to crying. Sometimes nursing him wouldn't work and he'd cry more. And again, we were at an all-time level of exhaustion when we decided that it was best for our family to nix the nursing the sleep business.
First week or so of this no-nursing-to-sleep-let-Ben-scream-bloody-murder business, Ben did sleep better. Longer stretches of 5 hours or so. 3rd week, 4 hour stretches. 4th week, 3 hour stretches. 5th week, 2 hour stretches. I am not kidding you. 6th week, 1 hour stretches (not all night). It was just getting worse.
Oh brother. What am I doing to this child? It's true, I have already messed him up. <cry> <sob>
I called La Leche League. I said in earnest, "Am I traumatizing my child by not nursing him to sleep all of a sudden? He is raging/fighting naps and bedtime. He is inconsolable." She said, "As long as you stay with him and don't abandon him, I think everything will be fine." She also said, "If he's losing his marbles, and you're not seeing any sleep improvements, he's telling you he's not ready." "But," I thought, "there were some improvements. Sometimes he would fall asleep in my arms without nursing and I'd watch his little eyes close and it was so angelic that I thought the heavens would open up." O.K. Well, she was nice, but all in all, I mean, I think she's just a parent herself volunteering to answer phones. Wait. Is anybody an EXPERT on this? I mean, wait, I really question that. Doctors, no. Other parents, sorry, no. Authors and child 'experts'... again, no. Maybe they have a plan that works for many babies. Sorry. They don't know my Benjamin. They aren't here at 7 and 9 and 12 and 1 and 4 and whenever the hell else he cannot sleep.
Deep breath.
Don't give me advice. I love you all. But don't give me advice. Why? I give unsolicited advice all the time, unfortunately. But don't give me any advice because I swear to God I've heard and tried it all. "His bedtime is too early." "His bedtime is too late." "Try giving him more food before bedtime." "Try letting him cry it out." "Try giving him a special blanket or teddy bear." "Try leaving your shirt so he smells you." "Try taking him outside more during the day." "Try giving him less naps so he's more tired at night." "Try a pacifier." "Try the shush-pat method." "Practice tough love. He's learned how to get to you." Seriously?
So, it's been two months. Is this a success story? Is Benjamin a good sleeper now because I quit nursing him to sleep? What do you think? No.
I will say this... and it may sound strange after everything I've said. But, I'm glad we did this. Why? See my many reasons below!
1) Because Benjamin DOES go to sleep peacefully without nursing many, many times now. I'd guess about 7 out of 10 times. After the weeks we've had, that's now gold in my book! We stay with him from 20 -40 minutes usually, until he falls asleep. He plays with his toes or looks at a book or plays lovingly (LOVINGLY) with us... our face, our hair, blowing kisses on our sides... This is good stuff. This was worth it all.
2) His temperament has improved considerably. He has stopped biting, hitting, scratching his parents. He has not been rough with Hershey. He is generally gentle around other babies, but sometimes gets excited and grabs. There was a rough patch a few weeks back with a playdate, but overall, much, much better.
3) He has learned that when he is extremely upset, we will always be there to love him, hold him, comfort him and accept those emotions from him lovingly. I do not believe this is setting us up for a future problem of saying temper tantrums are okay. But I now have...(see #4)
4) A greater sense of empathy for my son's emotions. So when he cries and back-bends because he can't play with my cell phone, instead of saying, "No!" (and don't act up!), I say, "I know you want that phone/I understand that you are upset. But, you can't have it." Hover lovingly while he has a little fit, then re-direct him onto something that he CAN have. Because let's face it, whether it's at a year old or at 3, someday your child will most likely have a tantrum. I think that part of things is pretty standard.
5) David can now put Benjamin to bed. This is major. I cannot understate the value of this. It is two-fold. a) David has an increased connection and confidence, having gone through the raging with Benjamin, and having come out the other side, with a sleeping child. (And we now get to have family naps!!) David has more success than I do now, putting Ben to sleep peacefully. b) I can have a moment. I can go to yoga. I can get a bath. I can turn on the television. I can clean. I can, is the point. Regaining sanity....
Don't misunderstand. Nursing is not a nuisance. It's true that you are not a pacifier, you are comfort, you are "liquid love." Lest my gory tale above leave you thinking otherwise, let me say with all sincerity that nursing to sleep has been one of the greatest blessings of Benjamin's infancy. I treasure all of those hundreds of times that I rocked him, caressed him, stared at him and stroked his little hands and face, while he nursed peacefully and drifted to sleep. I even held him through many naps. I am quite sure that we will have an enduring connection that extends deeply because of it. If I could turn back the clock, I would still choose to nurse Benjamin to sleep. I would only alter it by allowing him to cry more, when I was sure his physical needs were met, and by allowing him opportunities to cry himself to sleep in my loving arms.
Our pediatrician said recently that having your first child is really an experiment (in parenting). Shocked as she was to learn how frequently Ben awoke during the night, she reassured me that even with her young daughter, there are still many nights of sleep interruption. (Bad dreams, teething, and other things I haven't even thought of yet.) Her daughter coslept til age 2.
As another aside, I felt some comfort in recently meeting a woman who is the mother of a 10 year old girl (angelic from birth, good sleeper, easy-going personality, just a lovely little person to all who encounter her) and an 18 month old boy who sounds somewhat like Benjamin. Her sweet son has always been a difficult sleeper, and as she put it 'miserable'. At 18 months old, he is still getting up 3 times a night. Mom is exhausted. I asked (out of a questioning sense of - should I feel guilty??) and she has never coslept with him, and only nursed for the first 3 months. So, just in case I had been harboring any sense of wrongdoing by cosleeping and nursing... as if I made Benjamin into a bad sleeper by my choices, here is a woman who did the opposite of me, and yet has this sleep-less young boy.
I knew parenting was hard. I just didn't know and understand the dirty little details of the ways in which it was hard. I do sometimes get envious of other parents with 'good sleepers'. But I don't really expend my energy on things like envy and jealousy. Who has the time?? ha ha
I've had a few days where Ben took 2 two hour naps. I felt like a superwoman. Dinner was on the table! Something in my house got cleaned! I may have even had a little leisure time. What!? I would think, "Yes. This is normal. This is what most parents get to experience everyday. This is how things are done. I can do anything!" Then, inevitably, the next day would go back to 45 minutes spent trying to get Ben to take a 45 minute nap. And a frozen pizza for dinner. And failure mentally stamped on my forehead when husband walks in the door from work. Gosh, life would be easier if Ben slept.
If your baby sleeps, what can I say. You are fortunate. Be thankful.
In the big scheme of things, baby sleep is really just that, BABY sleep. Sooner or later, this stage of life passes. (All too quickly, through the ups and the downs.) I don't want it to pass because I love every age and every new cuteness and every new skill. One day he will be 4 years old. One day he will be 8. One day he will be 15. God knows, surely he will be sleeping by the time he's 15, right?
And yes, I do have gray hairs now. It's true.
