Temper Tempered

I'm gonna go ahead and call this.  Success.

8 weeks we spent, letting Benjamin have his cry at bedtime.  We stayed with him while he kicked and flailed and screamed. We held him when he'd let us.  We sang when he calmed down.  We cuddled as he got sleepy.

Slowly but surely, things improved.  For a few weeks now, life has been pretty sugary sweet at bedtime.  And naps even.  But the boy does take his time... 20-40 minutes to drift off.

Our sweet potato's routine is the same as it's been for months.  Remember, from the last post, that the only thing we changed was not nursing to sleep.  And my memory had failed me earlier, because just tonight I remembered that there had been many evenings where nursing Benjamin to sleep simply wasn't taking at all anyway.  So, it wasn't just divine inspiration that made me think it was time.

I remembered this because I thought about how he went through a period of time where he was up in the evening while we had our late dinner and watched tv.  I always felt like a horrible parent when he was up like this.  He simply wouldn't go to sleep, and I didn't want to 'fight' him or leave him crying alone... so he ended up in the living room with us at 9:30 at night while we tried to decompress from the day.

What life is like right now:  Our little time capsule~

We do our bedtime routine, round about 6:30: nursing, bath, pj's, loud fan, book, lay with Ben til he falls asleep.  This time that we spend laying with him is usually our favorite.  Well, it ties with eating. Whichever one of us is starving, usually doesn't put him to bed that night.  :)

He has become quite loving, both during the day and at night.  I've snapped a few photos of David and Benjamin actually falling asleep together.  Sometimes we all lay together.  Sometimes Ben struggles with me moreso than with David. I think it's because he'll lay up against my chest, or as one friend said, "smell the milk" and get sad/frustrated that he can't nurse.  Daddy snuggling is the best.

I was thinking about how some of my most cherished times with Benjamin, since he's been born, have involved being with him as he sleeps.  I have stared at his sweet face while he has slept in my arms on the couch, in the crook of my arm in our bed, snuggled against me on his bed... and each of those moments is like gold in my mind.  What a wealth of physical closeness!  (Sure, there were plenty of times I needed to get up... to pee, to get some water, to shower!!)

Have I ever thought of the ease that would come from depositing him (lovingly) in a crib and walking away? Um, yeah.  I have.  More than once.  And in truth, we did that for a short stint back when we were swaddling. Ben had a long-lasting Moro reflex, so we swaddled him anytime we attempted to let him sleep alone. Sometimes it worked!

But, the crib is an old story for us.  Never worked well. Maybe I didn't persevere enough. Maybe I didn't let him have his cry in my arms long enough.

There are loads of folks out there who will tell you how babies need to become independent sleepers.  I'm sure they're right.  There are loads of folks out there who will tell you how babies need to be physically close to go to sleep.  I'm sure they're right.  You have seen the plethora of baby books out there, right?  And on and on it goes.  (Constant refrain here: Do what works for your baby!)

I was just thinking though. You know how they say babies need and thrive on touch, especially as newborns?  There are actually books on infant massage! Yet, they tell you to let your newborn baby sleep in a crib (i.e. away from you).  And newborn babies sleep about 15-17 hours a day, right?  So, that's 15-17 hours a day you cannot touch your baby.  Something about that advice ain't adding up.  That doesn't even include the non-touch time in a car seat, bouncy seat, floor time and stroller.  I will never fault myself as a parent for enjoying that physical closeness with Benjamin.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Have I 'ruined' my son?  ha ha

Well, sometimes I joke that I have.  Plenty of folks like to tell you you're spoiling your baby. (or they think it) Or maybe they look at you funny when you tell them that your child bites. (or think not-so-nice things about their mothers) Ok, well, he hasn't bitten us in over a month, so that's something.  Occasionally, he'll bite a toy if he gets frustrated or angry or hurt.  But never another child and not us any longer.  But, of course, yes, I have doubted my parenting abilities!  Good grief, yes!  But, I am going to stop with the 'ruining my child' joke, because in my heart, I don't believe it.  I know in my heart that I am doing a good job because, like all of you, I am showing him love.  I can't promise to be a perfect parent.  That's ridiculous.

But, maybe there's something to be said for letting Benjamin have his cry.  He has learned (oh, I hope he has learned) that emotions are o.k. and that we will be there for every range of his emotion.  That his joyous feelings are just as respected as his furious, his frustrated, his confused feelings.  That sleep is a wonderful state of being!  I've recently begun to call his naps, 'delicious naps' because we all know they are!  "Time for a delicious nap!"

Well, I don't have the energy or the desire to go through the whole pro's and con's and misinformation and history of co-sleeping, the invention of cribs and how we slept with our babies, historically speaking.  If you're interested in how cribs came into being, the slightest bit of googling will give you very interesting information.  I did find that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends sharing a room, not a bed, with a baby for the first 12 months.  Again, not going to go into all of that too much.  Cultural norms are what they are for us right now.

What Benjamin's room looks like right now:  Not gonna post a pic~Not pretty

Well, you may know that we're doing the whole Montessori thing, inasmuch as I can muster.  Should do another post on that one.  Anywho, we're still sticking with the floor bed.  But since we lay with Ben to sleep, and one of us often ends up falling asleep there at some point, we decided to move the guest room mattress to his room.  This was meant to provide temporary comfort until we buy a twin bed.  David was actually the one to say it.  "We need to get a twin bed." He said those words.  Yes!

I want an IKEA one for various reasons, and going to IKEA is a pain, so I don't know when this will happen.

So, Benjamin's room right now, well, it basically looks like a big bed.  It is a Queen-size mattress!  Oh my.  To add to the unorthodox view of my baby's nursery (nursery??), is the fact that we have surrounded this mattress with pillows.  This is because we feared that the drop off from the mattress, whether crawling, walking, rolling or what have you, was too steep.  And I'm glad we did.  But, pretty, it is not.  Comfy though!!

And in closing, let me just say, that I am on Cloud 9 most days due to 1) baby sleep 2) a loving baby (whose temper is undoubtedly tempered) 3) great energy and health and number 4) positivity, baby.

Next chapter: Sleeping through the night, and why your mind will be sharper, your body healthier, your house wealthier, and all of your wildest dreams will come true, if you simply learn to love midnight nursing.  :D

Cry Baby Cry

If you pay any attention to these things, you'll notice it's been a woefully long time since a blog post.  My list of reasons (read: excuses) include the subject of this post (weeks of a crying baby), beginning part-time work, and flat out whole body fatigue from chronic sinus/allergy woes... the latter being the subject of another post perhaps.

But, oh how I wanted this to be a success story for my Benjamin.  The jury is still out.

Cry baby cry.  Crying in arms.  Holding your little one while he cries.  Make that screams, writhes, kicks and flails.  This is what we've spent 7 weeks doing at nearly every naptime and bedtime with only recent improvements (weeks 8 and 9).  This.... is..... taxing.

Okay, so I LOVE nursing Benjamin and nursing him to sleep. But, I was convinced that he would sleep more soundly if he fell asleep another way.  When he was younger, he would nurse peacefully beside me during the night and we all slept pretty well that way.  But things change and there was less and less peace at night.

After some horribly exhausting nights, I convinced myself that I was ready to do some weaning.  I convinced myself that Benjamin was ready, that he would benefit. I convinced myself that though he would cry and cry, he would ultimately sleep much better, and we would ALL live more happily.

When people say to trust your instincts, I feel like it's good advice.  I felt like my instincts were telling me that it was time. His crying wasn't like the newborn type of crying, where you (and he) feels like his whole world is collapsing if you don't meet his need immediately.  I don't mean to say he's 'mature' at 11 or 12 months old, but certainly able to handle more.  Temper tantrums had kicked in around 9 months and I had learned to show him love while he cried, without giving in to whatever it was he wanted but couldn't have at the moment (toy, to play at bedtime, etc.)

David and I talked and we decided to give it a go. I set a limit on it, in my mind.  We'll just try for a week and then, re-assess.

Oh, how he cried. Oh how my sweet Benjamin cried! I was heartbroken, Benjamin was angry and confused and David was shell-shocked.  We would take turns.  In general, it took about an hour or more of hard, hard crying before Ben would fall into a sobbing sleep.  You know those little sniffles that you do long after you've finished crying, when you've cried really hard?

We kept telling ourselves, well, eventually, he WILL fall asleep.  Surely he was exhausted enough.  Am I right ladies?  A hard cry is exhausting.

Well, our little Benjamin put up quite a fight.  But we NEVER left him alone.  I truly feel like that would have done some kind of trauma to him. I already felt like I was traumatizing him enough, so one of those nights I gave in and nursed... and after less than a week, we threw in the towel.  I started doubting myself again.  "He's just not ready I guess."  I think I cried with David in the room with Ben and just said, "It's okay... if he needs this, it's okay. I can do it. I can nurse him to sleep for another year if that's what he needs."  (sob, sob)

Round about that time, I started googling phrases like, "baby fights sleep," etc.  Googling is a tried and true method of parenting in this modern era... Didn't you know?  No. Actually, as you might have guessed, it's very hit or miss.

Nevertheless, I came across this site:  http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/
Specifically this link: Babe in Arms, Crying to Heal
and this one: Aware Parenting
http://www.awareparenting.com/cryinginarms.htm

Okay, so the idea here is that babies actually need to cry.
Wait a second.  Babies NEED to cry?  Why?  I mean, don't babies cry to have a need met? And once that need is met, wouldn't it stand to reason that they would stop crying?  If they are hungry, in pain, exhausted, etc....??  Well, why do babies with colic cry inexplicably though?

I realize I may sound just plain dumb here.  But this was new information to me.  Babies NEED to cry?  I still have a hard time accepting that.  You don't know how I prided myself when Benjamin would have days without crying.  I truly thought I was meeting his needs, and he must just be happy.... No need to cry!

But yet, here we were with a child that at 9 months old, I actually took to the doctor to determine if he was sick, because he was having such terrible tantrums.  (Tantrums at 2, I expected. Tantrums in infancy, I did not.)  As proud of my son as I was, and still am, the truth is, Benjamin was not always the delightful, charming, peaceful young man we had ordered.  Sure, there were tons of joyful moments with him!!!  But, if I'm being honest, he was rough.  He was rough with me, with David, with Hershey, with other children. He would grab, scratch, even bite.  Not to mention, he didn't sleep well, fighting it at every turn.  (Ask any of the kind souls who suffered the hour+long cries from babysitting a couple of hours for my dental/doctor appointments.)

Oh, I had practiced Attachment Parenting. David and I both had.  It felt good. It felt right.  Nursing on demand, nursing to sleep, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, being present full-time, etc...  I had belief in this!  Now.  I'm not saying I have disavowed Attachment Parenting.  I still stand by many of its principles.  I still practice it.

But I will say that there is  a component that is missing.  And that component, I believe, can make a parent feel absolutely, positively, thoroughly, through and through exhausted.  You cannot and should not prevent your child from crying EVERY single time they cry.  Sometimes, they just need to cry.

I still have to repeat that to myself sometimes to learn it and believe it. Sometimes he just needs to cry.  Sometimes, Benjamin just needs to cry.  Sometimes, babies just need to cry.

Funny to me now that I had read the book, "The No-Cry Sleep Solution," the practice of which, did not however, prevent Ben from crying.

Here's the thing though. That website I mentioned earlier (Aware Parenting) strongly advocates that you stay with your child while he/she cries.

See, I had been under the delusion that you had to choose between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  Either you did everything under the sun to stop your baby from crying (jiggle, rock, nurse, drive, hair dryer noise) OR you left them to cry it out.  The first of which was making me insane. The second of which seemed positively cruel to the innocent mind of a infant.

This 'aware parenting' (so it's called), was the first time I actually considered an alternative.  Just hold your baby while they cry.  This theory states that crying is healing and releases stress.  It can help heal emotional wounds (difficult or traumatic pregnancy or labor, frightening events, etc.).  It states that once a baby releases this stress, has his/her good old crying spells, that it can even improve their temperament, since their frustrations have been 'released'.  (However, she gave a false promise that 'many' people found that when they began to let their babies cry, the child often began to sleep through the night after as little as a week.  HA!)

So anyway.  Back at it.  With someone (I have NO idea how qualified this aware lady is, by the way) enlightening me to this information, I was given renewed hope that perhaps my instincts were right, and that it was in fact time to let Benjamin have his cry.  And have his cry he did.  As I said at the beginning of this post, it was intense.  I have never in my life (I have babysat and been around many babies, many times), I mean, I have never in my life ever heard a baby scream and, I'll even use the word, rage, like this.  David and I were in a stupor.

You couldn't hold this child lovingly!  You couldn't hold this child at all!  Did I mention my son is strong?  Have you met this guy?  He would kick and flail, and could not be held for the longest time, try as we might. So, we just stayed with him.  We stayed and got kicked. We stayed and stayed and stayed.  We stayed until those rages gave way to sobs. Til those tears gave way to sniffles.  Til those deep sighs gave way to sleep.

Then, we'd come out of his room, looking like we had just been beaten up and wondering again, "Are we doing the right thing?"  Why was this so hard for Benjamin?  Did he really have that much birth trauma to release?  Really?  This is crazy.  Why was he so unhappy? Why so difficult?  (The ever-present refrain in the back of my mind that I had done and am currently doing, and would obviously, continue to do, a lousy job of parenting. And how does anyone ever turn out normal if all we ever tried to do was love our son, and yet we screwed him up so horribly already, and so on and so forth.)

For better or worse, we persevered. All 3 of us.  We'd start to see sleep improvements, and get encouraged.  Okay, so this is more than a little embarrassing to say, but again, it's the truth:

Before we started this 'sleep plan' Ben was waking and wanting to nurse between 4-8 times a night.  Yep.  Now, when we coslept, as I said, when he was younger, I didn't even count. It didn't matter much to me, because he would root around during the night, I'd nurse him and we'd barely even wake up.  As he got older, rooting often turned to crying.  Sometimes nursing him wouldn't work and he'd cry more.  And again, we were at an all-time level of exhaustion when we decided that it was best for our family to nix the nursing the sleep business.

First week or so of this no-nursing-to-sleep-let-Ben-scream-bloody-murder business, Ben did sleep better.  Longer stretches of 5 hours or so.  3rd week, 4 hour stretches.  4th week, 3 hour stretches.  5th week, 2 hour stretches. I am not kidding you.  6th week, 1 hour stretches (not all night).  It was just getting worse.

Oh brother.  What am I doing to this child? It's true, I have already messed him up.  <cry>  <sob>

I called La Leche League.  I said in earnest, "Am I traumatizing my child by not nursing him to sleep all of a sudden?  He is raging/fighting naps and bedtime.  He is inconsolable."  She said, "As long as you stay with him and don't abandon him, I think everything will be fine." She also said, "If he's losing his marbles, and you're not seeing any sleep improvements, he's telling you he's not ready."  "But," I thought, "there were some improvements.  Sometimes he would fall asleep in my arms without nursing and I'd watch his little eyes close and it was so angelic that I thought the heavens would open up."  O.K.  Well, she was nice, but all in all, I mean, I think she's just a parent herself volunteering to answer phones. Wait.  Is anybody an EXPERT on this?  I mean, wait, I really question that.  Doctors, no.  Other parents, sorry, no.  Authors and child 'experts'... again, no.  Maybe they have a plan that works for many babies.  Sorry. They don't know my Benjamin. They aren't here at 7 and 9 and 12 and 1 and 4 and whenever the hell else he cannot sleep.

Deep breath.

Don't give me advice. I love you all.  But don't give me advice.  Why?  I give unsolicited advice all the time, unfortunately.  But don't give me any advice because I swear to God I've heard and tried it all.  "His bedtime is too early."  "His bedtime is too late."  "Try giving him more food before bedtime."  "Try letting him cry it out."  "Try giving him a special blanket or teddy bear."  "Try leaving your shirt so he smells you."  "Try taking him outside more during the day."  "Try giving him less naps so he's more tired at night."  "Try a pacifier."  "Try the shush-pat method."  "Practice tough love. He's learned how to get to you."  Seriously?

So, it's been two months.  Is this a success story?  Is Benjamin a good sleeper now because I quit nursing him to sleep?  What do you think?  No.

I will say this... and it may sound strange after everything I've said.  But, I'm glad we did this.  Why?   See my many reasons below!

      1) Because Benjamin DOES go to sleep peacefully without nursing many, many times now.  I'd guess about 7 out of 10 times.  After the weeks we've had, that's now gold in my book!  We stay with him from 20 -40 minutes usually, until he falls asleep.  He plays with his toes or looks at a book or plays lovingly (LOVINGLY) with us... our face, our hair, blowing kisses on our sides...  This is good stuff.  This was worth it all.

     2) His temperament has improved considerably.  He has stopped biting, hitting, scratching his parents.  He has not been rough with Hershey.  He is generally gentle around other babies, but sometimes gets excited and grabs.  There was a rough patch a few weeks back with a playdate, but overall, much, much better.

     3) He has learned that when he is extremely upset, we will always be there to love him, hold him, comfort him and accept those emotions from him lovingly.  I do not believe this is setting us up for a future problem of saying temper tantrums are okay.  But I now have...(see #4)

    4) A greater sense of empathy for my son's emotions.  So when he cries and back-bends because he can't play with my cell phone, instead of saying, "No!" (and don't act up!), I say, "I know you want that phone/I understand that you are upset.  But, you can't have it."  Hover lovingly while he has a little fit, then re-direct him onto something that he CAN have.  Because let's face it, whether it's at a year old or at 3, someday your child will most likely have a tantrum. I think that part of things is pretty standard.

    5) David can now put Benjamin to bed.  This is major.  I cannot understate the value of this.  It is two-fold.  a) David has an increased connection and confidence, having gone through the raging with Benjamin, and having come out the other side, with a sleeping child.  (And we now get to have family naps!!) David has more success than I do now, putting Ben to sleep peacefully.  b) I can have a moment.  I can go to yoga. I can get a bath.  I can turn on the television.  I can clean.  I can, is the point.  Regaining sanity....

Don't misunderstand.  Nursing is not a nuisance.  It's true that you are not a pacifier, you are comfort, you are "liquid love."  Lest my gory tale above leave you thinking otherwise, let me say with all sincerity that nursing to sleep has been one of the greatest blessings of Benjamin's infancy.  I treasure all of those hundreds of times that I rocked him, caressed him, stared at him and stroked his little hands and face, while he nursed peacefully and drifted to sleep.  I even held him through many naps.  I am quite sure that we will have an enduring connection that extends deeply because of it.  If I could turn back the clock, I would still choose to nurse Benjamin to sleep.  I would only alter it by allowing him to cry more, when I was sure his physical needs were met, and by allowing him opportunities to cry himself to sleep in my loving arms.

Our pediatrician said recently that having your first child is really an experiment (in parenting).  Shocked as she was to learn how frequently Ben awoke during the night, she reassured me that even with her young daughter, there are still many nights of sleep interruption.  (Bad dreams, teething, and other things I haven't even thought of yet.)  Her daughter coslept til age 2.

As another aside, I felt some comfort in recently meeting a woman who is the mother of a 10 year old girl (angelic from birth, good sleeper, easy-going personality, just a lovely little person to all who encounter her) and an 18 month old boy who sounds somewhat like Benjamin.  Her sweet son has always been a difficult sleeper, and as she put it 'miserable'.  At 18 months old, he is still getting up 3 times a night.  Mom is exhausted.  I asked (out of a questioning sense of - should I feel guilty??) and she has never coslept with him, and only nursed for the first 3 months. So, just in case I had been harboring any sense of wrongdoing by cosleeping and nursing... as if I made Benjamin into a bad sleeper by my choices, here is a woman who did the opposite of me, and yet has this sleep-less young boy.

I knew parenting was hard.  I just didn't know and understand the dirty little details of the ways in which it was hard.  I do sometimes get envious of other parents with 'good sleepers'.  But I don't really expend my energy on things like envy and jealousy.  Who has the time??  ha ha
I've had a few days where Ben took 2 two hour naps. I felt like a superwoman.  Dinner was on the table!  Something in my house got cleaned!  I may have even had a little leisure time.  What!?  I would think, "Yes.  This is normal.  This is what most parents get to experience everyday.  This is how things are done.  I can do anything!"  Then, inevitably, the next day would go back to 45 minutes spent trying to get Ben to take a 45 minute nap.  And a frozen pizza for dinner.  And failure mentally stamped on my forehead when husband walks in the door from work.  Gosh, life would be easier if Ben slept.

If your baby sleeps, what can I say.  You are fortunate.  Be thankful.

In the big scheme of things, baby sleep is really just that, BABY sleep.  Sooner or later, this stage of life passes. (All too quickly, through the ups and the downs.)  I don't want it to pass because I love every age and every new cuteness and every new skill.  One day he will be 4 years old.  One day he will be 8.  One day he will be 15. God knows, surely he will be sleeping by the time he's 15, right?

And yes, I do have gray hairs now.  It's true.

Baby Foodie

How do I feed thee? Let me count the ways.

In some respects we were kind of behind in the game of introducing solids to our young son.  Perhaps in others, we are ahead (see image of Ben using his spoon at 8 months - call me proud mama).

I guess I've always been a bit kooky about food.  Started way back when.  But that's a story for another day.  It led me here. To this place. Where I truly enjoy good food.  Where I understand the value of nutrition.  Let me re-state that... The value of nutrition.  (Poor nutrition, which most of us are raised to believe is good nutrition, is making most of us sick - if not now, later.)  A place where health and nourishment ride alongside trying new things, and yes, maybe, possibly, even being ever-so-slightly annoying to friends and family in the process.

Here's to always coming back to center.  A little left of center, actually.  Where I want my family to be.

Everyone's center is different.  Mine was duly established back in the early 80's with emphasis on love of vegetables... tolerated, though perplexing as heck to family and friends.  Raw, vegan and macrobiotics to the left....  Meat, dairy and my all-out junk food fests to the right.

Left of center.  A nice place to be.  Where we want to raise our Benjamin.

I read the book, "Feeding Baby Green," whilst I was pregnant.  It rode contrary to what a lot of pediatricians suggest for early foods.  I looked into super healthy diets, not really knowing what the heck I would actually do in real life, once I had a child.  I mean, wouldn't we end up going through the McDonald's drive-thru in the madness of getting from here to there, yada yada... You know the cliche soccer mom image... busy, busy, busy life with a child/children?  Or as a friend put it, "I can't wait to see you with your third child... You'll be throwing a bag of Cheetos at him."

Well, I've heard the saying, "Start as you mean to go."  And so.  And so, and so, and so.  That's what I mean to do.

Just recently over the shame and angst I felt from all the CRAP I ate while pregnant, I share with you now the ways in which we have fed and nourished our child.

Behind the game:  Nursing had been working out beautifully since birth, and I continued full-time as we let Ben explore foods.  But, Ben had some early gagging episodes that freaked me out.  Those were quickly followed by an actual choking incident involving a dry leaf.  We're talking, no air getting in, eyes running water, starting to turn color while David beats his back kind of choking.  Good God.  One of many heart attacks I will no doubt have as a parent.

With food, I had initially shied away from traditional baby foods, rice cereals and general purees, opting instead for (as the book had suggested) "real food" when he was ready.  I don't begrudge anyone one iota for wanting to do purees, making all your own baby food, purchasing baby food and doing rice cereals as THE DOCTORS say you should.  (Good grief... Anyone else out there think that pediatricians need to go back to school??  Ironically, the LEAST progressive, yet highly educated people I think I've ever met.  - Giving such old school advice all the time... like, let your baby cry multiple nights for an hour and a half all alone in the dark.  Um... no.  I digress, I digress...)

If you did give your baby some rice cereal, none of my beeswax. If you're thinking of starting your baby on rice cereal, here are some possible reasons why you might opt not to:
http://www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2011/12/nine-good-reasons-not-to-use-baby-rice.html

Anywho (hate people who say anywho?) Well, anywho, I was still nursing Benjamin a lot. I would say the vast majority of his nutrition was coming from nursing even up til now... at 11 months old.  Contrary to Benjamin's football linebacker-baby appearance, he wasn't terribly interested in eating a lot of real food. He was a sampler.  He'd try things, but not want a great quantity. Because of his gagging episodes, I gave him lots and lots of things in the little Munchkin net thingee.  I was comfortable with it because I knew it was safe, and it allowed him to sample lots of foods (grapes, chickpeas, cucumber) that I otherwise would have avoided.

Now, for the purists out there... Shouldn't that be a red flag?  If it's something we couldn't have done, historically speaking, is it what's best for baby?  Can you imagine what we did before blenders and formula and Munchkin netting thingees??  Hmm... Maybe, just maybe, we nursed for a long time, until baby was actually ready to eat real food mashed up, or (gulp), heaven forbid, pre-chewed by mama?  Who hasn't bitten a little piece of food off to a reasonable portion and fed it to baby?

Well, try as I might, I can't seem to stick to topic.

So - behind the game, oh yes.  Doctor says, doctor says.  But I do my research you know.  I was and am still confident in the way we chose to feed Ben later than most.  I harbor no remorse about not purchasing rice cereal, or making ice cube trays full of baby purees.  Ben's fine.  He's just fine.  Maybe I took the lazy route.  It's certainly been less effort eating this way.  The doctor would simultaneously tell me that he was extremely healthy in terms of weight and length, etc. but that I should change what I'm doing - nurse less and feed more solids.  We're getting there I'd say.

And, here we are.

Ahead of the game:  I actually say this lightly, because who's to say really.  But here's a sampling of what Benjamin likes to eat now.

Black bean soup (mashed up with a fork) with cumin
Guacamole with cilantro and lime
Smoothies with kale
Homemade refried beans (mashed up with a fork) with chili powder
Sweet potato lentil stew (again, mashed)
Butternut squash with shoyu
Hummus with paprika
Broth from a mushroom and barley soup
All manner of fruits that I break up: watermelon, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, bananas, peaches, plums, and on and on...

(I used to worry about giving too much fruit because of setting up a predisposition for sweets.  I don't worry about that anymore.  For goodness sakes.  If Benjamin gets addicted to fruits, I'll have bigger problems than that. ~~Did you know some people actually LIVE on fruits?  They're actually called fruitarians.  It's extreme, to say the least.)

All these foods mentioned above are simply what are on our dinner table.  He eats what we eat.  The only things I change are to salt food less, avoid cayenne pepper and to mash things up chunky style.  I know most kids his age are onto pasta and whole beans and such.  I'm still a little nervous and late on textures and stuff with him. But he's handling it all well now.

Because of my and my husband's love of good food, we want Benjamin to feel the same way.  I can't wait til he can help me in the kitchen.  They say that babies taste what you eat, through breast milk. So, if that's the case, he's accustomed to Indian spices, Chinese sauces, etc.

Okay, not to knock goldfish crackers and mac 'n cheese, because, hey, I consider mac 'n cheese to be one of the better comfort foods, along with chips and a pint of Ben and Jerry's... BUT - those things will just have to be the exception around here, not the rule.

I used to worry (gosh, I worry a lot) about having Benjamin feel different. Taking him some place, to a party, or a friend's house, and being the odd kid because I, his mother, would say something like, "Oh no, we don't allow him to eat that.  We're vegan," or some such thing.  Being a problem to people.  Being a nuisance.  Being 'those people'... But, then I remembered that almost every child I've ever met has been a picky eater (myself included).

When was the last time you were around a child at dinner when their parent DIDN'T say something like, "Oh, he/she won't eat that. They only like 'fill-in-the-blank."  Usually that fill-in-the-blank is filled with a rather plain, maybe even bland food.  (Something akin to white rice puree/cereal?? Perhaps.)

Once again, I apologize for sounding like a soap-box girl.  I am not here to judge anyone.  I am NO SAINT.  I have had my crying spells just like any other new parent (you all do that too, right?) over what I am doing and not doing right for Ben.

This blog is just to share a little slice of our lives and why we do the things we do.  No one can say I'm not at least thoughtful about our decisions... even if you think I'm dead wrong.

Now, if anyone has some advice about how to get my son to sleep through the night, I'm all ears!  I'm guessing more hummus isn't the answer.

See me E.C.

Transmission interrupted:  I have to interrupt my previous lines of thought, and the draft of my new post, to bring you this inspiring, crazy news about the business of when nature calls.  You may not want to hear this, particularly if you are not the mother of a small child.  And surely, Benjamin will want to strangle me later in life when he discovers that I've shared such personal information of his... But, heck, here goes anyway.

How to put this... Well, okay, so Benjamin needed to go to the bathroom.  And I took him.  And business was done.  Not the pee kind of business. He's done that lots of times. This was a milestone. It was the other kind of business.  Yeah, I was some kind of excited.  You could say that.  :D

E.C.  --> The modern lingo meaning 'elimination communication'.

My overly simplistic definition of E.C.?

Learn when your baby needs to go to the bathroom, and take him.  Or her.

Never heard of E.C?  Yeah, me neither til I was pregnant.  Funny how little seeds that are planted can actually give themselves to fruition over time.

I came across this method/way of life on some natural mama website something or other.  Newborns can go to the potty, they said.  I did the whole... "Whaaaat?" thing, and then disregarded it.  Crazy people.  Crunchy mamas.  Granola.  Mmmrhmm.  Hemp.

Came across it again sometime when Ben was a few months old by reading about/hearing about a book titled, "Diaper Free."  I thought... "That's really strange, but interesting."  Around that time, Ben had a horrible diaper rash that lasted for-freaking-ever, and after about 4 dr. appts., multiple prescriptions and loads of OTC creams and ointments, I did what seemed like the only thing I could do.  Naked time.  Healed him up in days.

While he was having his naked time, around 3 or 4 months old, I noticed that, hey... he's not just going to the bathroom all the time, all over the place.  Maybe there's something to that whole taking the baby to the potty thing.  But, I pushed it out of my mind again.  We were using gDiapers and I felt pretty good about that decision, with the biodegradable pads.  And there's enough to do and worry about with a new little one... so who's going to let their child go diaper-free??  What a headache! What a mess!  Right?

Still later, I read more about the subject. I don't know if it was the book I read, "Beyond the Sling," by Mayim Bialik (former Blossom star) or some other reason, but I decided to look into it further.  Did a little digging around online and here's what I found.

Elimination communication is just that.  It is not potty training. It is taking your baby to the potty when you think they need to go.  You know they need to go because of their cues, and routines.  Timing can be very valuable.  There is no punishment/reward thing in action. It is a no-pressure, no-worry kind of thinking.  This is good for me.  I worry about enough already.  This is meant to be easy.

Apparently, diapers are a very western invention.  People have been living diaper free in other parts of the world for many, many years.  The thinking is really that, babies don't want to pee and poop on themselves.  Surprised?  You know how animals (thinking of my sweet dogs here) have an instinct that they won't use the bathroom where they sleep?  That's why we keep our dog in our bedroom at night, and why some people crate them.  Well, it's similar with babies (so I've read).  As young as newborns, they will make some kind of sign (squirming, crying, etc.) before they 'go', and it can be slightly different for every baby.  They apparently don't want to go on themselves.  I have since discovered, what I believe to be proof of this in the following way.  Many times, Benjamin will have a dry diaper when he wakes up.  If I take him to the bathroom in the first 5-10 minutes after waking, he will go in the bathroom.  It's like he's holding it.

So, now doesn't it seem just a little bit weird that our babies spend 2-4 years in diapers, until suddenly one day, we begin to chastise them for peeing and pooping in their diaper, after that's what we taught them to do for so long.

Now this is vague, so I apologize for my poor memory... but, I read something about people in other parts of the world being baffled that we (in this country) nurse for a short time and use diapers for a long time, when they are the opposite, nursing for 3-5 years and almost never using diapers.

Okay, it's starting to sound like I'm on my soapbox again. But I assure you, I cast no dispersions on anyone who doesn't want to do this E.C. thing.  It's unconventional from our frame of view, and I totally get that.  I was hesitant myself, and even now, only do it part-time.

Back to the story...

Around the time Benjamin turned 9 months old, I figured, what the heck... Let's try mornings.  I let him go diaper free for the first two hours every morning before his first nap.  We have hardwood floors downstairs, so clean ups were very easy.  I just watched him closely as we went about our regular daily activities.  I noticed when he would go, and I would clean it up afterwards.  After a few days of this, I decided to take him to the potty by mimicking holding positions from what I had read online.  I've since found multiple ways to hold him so he'll go.  I also bought a potty training seat.

Requirements: 

1) You have to be okay with accidents.  That alone will stop most folks right there. But, let's face it. If you have a child, you've been peed or pooped on, or both.  Floors and clothing clean up. 

2) You have to be motivated in some way for your child to be diaper free.  Benefits include... saving money on diapers, giving your child more air-time/less diaper rash and discomfort, holding a child without a bulky diaper on, experiencing a greater connection with your child, etc.  There's actually 75 reasons 75 Reasons to go Diaper-Free (click Practicing EC) so find one that speaks to you.

At first Benjamin wasn't sure what to do when I held him over the toilet, but I knew he needed to go. So, I would pour a little warm water on his lap.  This would usually make him go, and as he peed, I would make this sound, "Spssppsspppspspss."  I was so amazed by this.  By the third day, Ben was peeing in the toilet 6 times a day.  I was stunned.  David was stunned.  Eventually, Benjamin began to pee without the warm water on him, but just the sound.  He has done this with me, with David, on different toilets, including his potty chair, and most recently, with a small audience.

This is great, but how in the world do people do this all the time?  On car trips? In grocery stores? Overnight?  Now, that, I haven't quite figured out yet.  When we are out and about a lot, Ben stills wear his diapers. When we are upstairs on the carpet, Ben wears his diapers.  And I'm okay with that.  If you read online at all, you can find loads of suggestions from people who do this 24 hours a day.  They will 'pee' their babies in the middle of the night by keeping a small potty beside the bed, or will put wool layers on the bed in case of accidents, etc. I'm not there yet.

But I am thrilled that we've been able to do this part-time.  One of the major questions I had was how to get him to the potty if he had to do more than just pee.  So, now we've come full circle. Back to how I started this post, which is this.  Babies will make a sign that they need to do that kind of business.  You take them to the bathroom, and they will go.  You just have to be quick.  ;)  (And refer to requirement #1 above... You have to be okay with accidents.)  The cool thing about this too, is that clean up was a snap.  No poopy diaper, smeared disaster area.  Nice and neat!

I don't know what life will throw at me. No one does.  Maybe I can continue this, maybe I can't.  But the times when it works is gratifying enough to make me want to try.  Maybe you're up for it too??

The Room of Yes!

Benjamin's room of yes.  Almost done!

Benjamin is enjoying his new digs.  He loves the freedom and so do we! It's the one room in the house where we are totally comfortable leaving him to play independently.  We never have to say, "No," in this room.  (Okay, that is a little white lie, because we have to say no when he squirms with diaper changes.  But even that is starting to take place in its rightful place of the bathroom these days.)

There have been a few times recently where he has awoken from a nap, and rather than crying out, he decides to play.  And he's got the whole room to explore, never needing to be rescued from the confines of a crib. These self-initiated playful moments seem pretty magical to me.  As much as I have loved, and continue to love the 'attachment' part of our relationship, as he gets older, I am thrilled to see that he is comfortable exploring his world on his own.  And when David and I are playing the role of the classically bleary-eyed parents, we collapse onto his little bitty bed and watch him play.  He loves to crawl on and over us, and most recently, bring books to us to read to him.  Love this.

Additions for this room will include a nice wide wooden shelf David is building to put under the window area.  Also, I'll add framed photos and artwork that are child-proofed and securely mounted.  We *may* put the curtains back up. I want to test them again to see if he can pull them down onto himself first.  

David loves this room.  That's saying something.  Especially considering how he had a hard time letting go of the idea of the peacefully sleeping crib infant.  Not in the cards.  

Today, baby boo is sick with a fever.  Mommy slept with him in any way that would work for him.  That meant starting the night in the recliner, then the rocking chair, then the floor bed, then our bed.  We've had rougher nights than this.  

I rallied for the purchase of a twin bed mattress.  Alas, I have tabled my request for now... but it shall re-surface!!  Why do I want a twin mattress for my dear son?

Several reasons:

1) I also sleep on this mattress.  You can fault me all you want.  When he cries after a 30 minute nap, how do you think he gets back to sleep?  He'll sleep another whole hour (most times) if I just lay beside him and nurse him back to sleep. This is true for nighttime too.  Therefore, I want a twin mattress so I have adequate room and am not miserable from a sore back.  'Cause sometimes I fall asleep there in the middle of the night.

2) Ben can have more room for tossing and turning.  It doesn't happen terribly often, especially now that he's learned the boundaries of the bed. But there have been times that Benjamin rolls off his little bed.  This can wake him from a deep sleep, and rather than crawl back onto the bed, he cries.  A twin mattress would give him a little more room to move.

3) He will grow into it.  A twin mattress is something that you use all throughout childhood. It's not as though we'll only use it a year or two (like the carseat, the playard, all the infant paraphernalia...).  He will use it through, I don't know... teenage years?  I did.  So, I want a decent quality one.  (Do not even begin to read about chemicals in mattresses or you truly will not be able to sleep at night. Organic ones are extremely costly.  A good compromise, I've read, is one from IKEA, due to European  manufacturing standards being higher than in the US.)

4)  Family time.  More family time and togetherness.  There will be times when we will all want to crowd on his bed and play or read goodnight stories. Family time includes both parents, baby and dog.  A twin is the least we can get by with.  (I had considered a queen!)

Well, I'm off to go clean something.  Take your pick.  Not enough cleaning goes on around here.  Thank God for my dear, cleaning fool husband!  Yes, we do have a different standard of living around here these days (such as being okay with pee on my shoe), but still, I need to at least put some elbow grease into something besides his room.  Adios!

Ladybug rocks

This is a small piece of artwork I bought from Etsy to put in Ben's room. It's a photo adhered to a 4" wood block.  It's sturdy, and it's simply adorable.  Four bucks.

About the room.... Weeknights are tough, no lie.  And what fools we are to think we can work in going to the gym during the week.  Ha!  Well... the plan was to finish Ben's room during these sacred weeknights.  Tonight is the night.  David cleaned it up a bit last night, so this is what it looks like now.  It's almost usable again!

This is what it looked like this weekend.

Not pretty, huh?  No, not yet... but just you wait.  I gotta tell you, I'm loving the color.  Doesn't come across too well in the online photos, but it's a beautiful greenish-blue.  Kind of teal, I guess.  It's called Great Falls from Sherwin Williams.  (Side note: Sherwin Williams should really change their logo... Paint dripping all over the earth.  Not an eco-friendly image to say the least. It's off-putting.) A quick google found this guy who sees my point.

http://leounfinished.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/why-sherwin-williams-should-change-its-logo/

But in any case, we got the no VOC's version of paint.

I wanted wainscoting as well but I'm not too sure that's going to happen.  You've got the expense of buying it, the work of installing it, the frustration of never having installed it before so you don't know what you're doing, and David says to me... the liquid nails you have to use may have a toxic smell to it for a while.  Not my idea of kid-friendly.  Maybe if the room had time to air out... But we want him to use it right away.

So, soon and very soon a new photo of a clean room.  Undoubtedly, it will be ever-evolving as Ben's needs and interests change.

I hope to do a new post soon about interesting 'toys' for work or play.  Much of Ben's play is work.  They're mostly one and the same, the way I see it.  The second he is up in the morning, and I get that big good-morning-proud-of-myself grin in bed next to me (yes, he ends up back in bed with us somewhere around 12 or 3), he is up and at 'em.  He needs to get busy right away.  Crawling, opening drawers, emptying them of clothes, standing, sitting, squatting, pushing, pulling, grinning.

Well, sweet potato is about to wake from his much needed nap.  He seems to be getting up in ever-increasing earlier and earlier increments.  Today was round about 6:20 I think.  I mean, dag.

House Tornado

Every corner of my house seems to be in perpetual motion.  The eat-in kitchen area once housed (of all things) an eat-in kitchen table.  Beside it, a bouncy seat, later replaced by thick blankets, replaced by a playard, replaced by an 'exersaucer'... (is that really what we are calling those things?) replaced by free space and a small selection of organized toys on a shelf. The kitchen table was recently sold on craigslist, and replaced by other comfy chairs we had from upstairs.  Now it is a lounge, a cafe area, a place for Benjamin to move and interact with us.  I love it.  (For a future post: I think I will skip a lot of the contraptions i.e. the devices that hold and entertain babies if ever I go down this path again, read: baby #2.)

Similar switch-a-roos have occurred throughout the house.  Most namely is his bedroom.  Sure, when you are pregnant, you take great care in creating the most welcoming environment for your little newbie.  Everything is chosen and placed just so.

But... the thing is, that room, I later learned, wasn't "just so" for his needs.  It took about 8 or 9 months before my husband finally relented, taking apart the crib.  <I treaded lightly, because this dear man had put this crib together not once but twice before, and he feared having to do it a third time, I believe.>

The dreaded crib.  Never in my pregnancy could I have imagined how my dear son, and subsequently I, would hate that thing.

No, we much prefer the nursing-in-arms method of going to sleep, which does not lend itself to crib life.  Baby screams when baby is put down in the crib.  Must not leave baby.  Therefore... we have enjoyed a wonderful period of co-sleeping that I never expected.  Nursing to sleep is a whole other subject... so let is suffice to say for now that it is simultaneously bliss and work.  The work part is only for me.  The bliss part is equally shared.

In addition to the crib giving way to a floor bed, we have decided to outfit the whole room with all of the Montessori trimmings.  More on Montessori later, believe me.  I had been pondering this change for a good month or two, making tweaks and adjustments here or there, reading up on it, when I finally asked David to help me with some design decisions.  He, in turn, wanted to paint the room and build a shelf, and so between the two of us, in no time at all we have turned Benjamin's adorable little nursery into a major disaster area.  You can barely even walk in there right now.

But David assures me that in a day or two, Ben will be back in action in his room.  I'm excited.  The things that excite me these days.  I can't wait to put things on shelves.  Seriously.  This is where it's at.

A picture of the completed project will be coming soon....